123 magic program by dr phelan
1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 by Thomas W. PhelanGreat parenting book (but I have to admit, I think I have now had my fill for a while on parenting books). I have heard references to this book several times over the years and I finally decided on my sisters recommendation to read it. Unfortunately, we get a few parenting book recommendations... haha.
I know if I apply this consistently, it will be positive all around. I have started, but I know I need to be more consistent AND get Eric on board.
So here are my notes for me or anyone else who feels like reading them (spoilers or my cliff notes):
123 Magic is a plan for dealing w/bad behavior that doesnt include yelling or physically intimidating or abusive behavior (which is only likely to help them learn to deal with problems by yelling and physical intimidation since kids model parents).
Its easy to make 2 parenting mistakes: too much talking and too much emotion. Kids have a hard time w/ being inferior. My upset is a big splash for them. Emotional outbursts accidentally help them feel powerful!
Three parenting jobs: 1)Controlling obnoxious behavior. 2) Encouraging good behavior. 3) Strengthening relationship.
We deal with STOP behaviors by counting 1,2,3 (including whining, arguing, teasing, tantrums, yelling, fighting, invasive touch, etc... behaviors you want to stop). You dont talk or reason since your children are not little adults... you condition them to stop their behavior by counting 1,2,3 with 5 seconds in between counts. Words and reasons are not effective with young children. A consequence follows if they dont stop by three (including time-out, early bedtime, loss of electronics, no dessert, extra chore, no talking, no friend over, no TV, money fine, write paragraph or lines). Punishment should be mild and reasonable (administered by a non-tantruming parent).
We deal with START behaviors by giving praise, making simple requests, using a timer, a docking system, natural consequences, charting, and counting variation (start behaviors include cleaning up, being kind, playing nicely, going to bed, doing homework, playing piano, etc.).
We STRENGTHEN THE RELATIONSHIP by listening, having one-on-one time together, talking, solving problems, and by managing technology.
Routines are necessary for positive outcomes... same time, same place, same way. Morning Routine (up, wash up, dress, eat, leave). Chore chart (or weekly cleanup or pickup before dinner). Homework routine (neat, correct, thorough, no complaining, starting w/o reminder, reading, math).
Suggested consequences for major, medium, and minor offenses that require special attention: Grounding 2 wks/1 wk/2 days. Fine $25/$10/$5. Chores 15 hrs/8 hrs/4hrs. Community service 15 hrs/8 hrs/4hrs. Educational activity 8 pg paper/4pg paper/2pg paper.
Format for a one-on-one meeting... We have a problem... what do you think? What can we do? How can I help? (pretty much same agenda for family meeting... we have a problem... How do we sove this?... This is our solution... post on fridge... next).
Childhood is a period of transitory psychosis. They are born unreasonable and selfish. My job is to help them learn frustration tolerance (while being gentle, consistent, decisive, and calm).
Im a wild animal trainer. Choose method and apply until trainee does desired action.
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InsightfulSteps : A clinical psychologist for over 35 years, Dr. Each requires different strategies. Phelan explains this tactic is effective because it avoids two of the biggest discipline mistakes parents tend to make: 1 talking too much and 2 showing too much emotion. Phelan argues a young kids are not little versions of adults and b repeated use of explanations tend to irritate, confuse, or distract. Talking too much makes it easy for kids to tune out. Showing an emotional outburst has the unintended consequence of making the kid feel powerful.
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Besides my own mother, no one has shaped my parenting style and caregiving philosophies more than Dr. Thomas Phelan, clinical psychologist, founder of the Magic program and author of the Magic book series. That said, you can only imagine how honored I was when Dr. Phelan accepted my invitation to write an endorsement of my first book, Nanny to the Rescue! His method is one I wholly endorse, and his books are the first I recommend to my own clients.